An Effing Foodie

On Newly Slimmed Alton Brown, Sardine Sandwiches, and Urban Cavemen

New Year's marketing makes me giggle.  Just as it's no mistake that sleep aids, adjustable air mattresses and Girls Gone Wild dominate advertising space at 3 AM, the fitness/diet articles and ads successively scrolling by in January are hardly happenstance. 

But unlike addictive substances and amateur porn, most of us could stand to be nudged back into and acceptable shape after last year's end-run to bloaty oblivion.

Some diets (yep, I said the D-word, calm down, people) aren't for everyone; I couldn't see myself investing in my own meat locker for the Caveman/Paleo program, or micromanaging my calories like someone on the Zone.

But Alton Brown, sans 50 pounds?  That's someone I'd take notes from.

(See more of the episode after the jump.)

Take a breath, Panicky Princesses.  Sure, it might sound austere for those who live to eat, but the man's talking good sense.  He's not crash-dieting, citing miracles or paying into a cult that sells pathetic pre-packed synthetic sustenance. 

He's merely using his broad expertise on food to eat with more nutritional efficiency, and thereby upping the odds that we will have many, many more years of Good Eats.

He's not even telling YOU to do it.  He's telling you how HE did it, for himself.

No, I'm not looking to lose weight.  But I like how well thought-out and accessible Brown's method of lists is, and I do believe that nutritional efficiency is something that everyday people should think more about. 

As much as I enjoy reading through (and contributing to!) a blogroll of filth, seeking banana peanut butter bacon cupcakes everyday is simply not sustainable. 

Push-ups, avocados, sardines, carrots, broccoli, sweet potatoes, purple breakfasts are all things we could use more of.  No one lives forever, and gout will never be sexy. 

On Brits, Baboons, and Eating Cartoons

I'll admit that the reason I try to keep up with a few food blogs in the UK is because...well...the cultural divide makes some of the writing and food concerns (like arguing over who invented oatmeal, or worrying about the demise of British curry) HI-larious to me.

(Oh, stop.  I'm sure watching fat Americans endlessly dissecting FN hamburgers and deep-fat-frying all-but-babies is equally diverting to them.)

To wit:

[A.A. Gill has] really gone and done it this time, having started a recent review with, “I shot a baboon in Africa, last Wednesday, just after lunch. Shot it dead.”

Gill goes on to explain that he was in Africa wearing “the sort of hat that just makes you ache to kill stuff” when a fellow hunter asked “Why don’t we shoot a baboon?” With the help of a telescopic lens, Gill took aim at one 250 feet away and “a soft-nosed .357 blew his lungs out.” Gill admits he had no excuse for becoming a “recreational primate killer,” since “baboon isn’t good to eat, unless you’re a leopard” — so why did he do it?

I wanted to get a sense of what it might be like to kill someone, a stranger. You see it in all those films: guns and bodies, barely a close-up of reflection or doubt. What does it really feel like to shoot someone, or someone’s close relative?

Gill got maudlin when he examined his kill (“when you stare into the magnifying glass at a profundity, it’s the prosaic and pitiful that’s reflected back”), but it goes without saying that the review stirred up even more of a fuss in the U.K... (via Grub Street)

I know this makes light of a serious moral and philosophical debate worth having; most people would rather not mull over the strange and arbitrary boundaries that justify what makes which animals acceptable food from culture to culture. 

But...I couldn't stop thinking of this:

Word of the Day: Spatchcocked!!

Leave it to a Fergus Henderson menu to teach you a nifty new word:

"A spatchcock is a poussin or game bird [prepared by] removing the backbone and sternum of the bird and flattening it out before cooking." [via Wikipedia]

So, Spatchcocking = Butterflying.

(But way more fun to say and use in Scrabble.)

Spatchcocking in action (1:30 to 4:15):

Sounds mean and laborious, but it's a good way to ensure faster, more even cooking of a critter that was never gonna fly again anyway.

Those interested in eating ox hearts and other rare Brit delicacies, enter the sweepstakes for FerguStock via TONY's The Feed.

Necessary Gut-Busters: Eddie Izzard's Toaster LIES!

Humane Crustacean Handling (AKA How to Avoid Bandito Lobsters)

This is what immediately comes to mind as I read studies on the most humane method of cooking lobsters:

When you're talking about preparing a live animal for consumption, what's considered "humane" is tricky at best.  Precautions/procedures to minimize stress on the person cooking is most important, as you're more likely to be more mercifully expedient if you're confident, rather than dragging along in wincing lobster empathy:

When I asked Robert Bayer, a professor of animal and veterinary science and the director of the Lobster Institute at the University of Maine...he told me that “there are a couple of ways to minimize trauma to the person that is doing the cooking.” Wait! I said the lobster, not the cook. But that was exactly his point: the cook is the one most affected by cooking lobster...They concluded that chilling lobsters in the freezer or in salted ice water...will adequately numb them so that when they hit the hot pot they will move very little. He also suggested that you could put them in fresh rather than salted water. The change of environment will not slowly suffocate the lobsters, as some would believe, but will instead put them to sleep...

--Jill Santopietro, NYT

To review: Dunk critters into iced fresh water until sluggish, then head-first into boiling lobster pot, to therefore avoid possible Lobster Bandito Retaliation.

Swedish Chef: Caken Smooshen!

Soft-Spoken Feisty Lady is convinced the caken was speaking Japanese.

EEEEEYOOOOH!

Happy Friday, all!

What the "R" Rule Means to You and Oyster Stew

I was recently perched at Lelabar for a friend's birthday (great place, by the way, with a fun selection of chocolates and cheese) when I spied their raw bar, brimming with ice and oysters.  I steepled my fingertips in anticipation...

...and then remembered it was June.

Cartoons aren't the best place to pick up a basic understanding of physics, but they're not bad for occasional gustatory guidelines. (Those in a hurry, skip to 2:05.)

I don't subscribe to all oldsy-timesy rules about food, and many have argued that the "R-in-the-month" rule is a bogus holdover from European oyster eaters. 

Unfortunately, through rigorous trial, error, and expense on my part, the old "R" rule has been proven true enough--a May/June/July/August oyster won't kill you, but they just plain taste better when the water is cold. 

Which SUCKS, since cold seafood seems more appropo in the summer, and it's not like those suboptimal oysters get cheaper when it's warm out.

Why, you ask?  Well, summertime is lovin' time for oysters, and the energy that would generally go into building fat reserves goes into spawning instead.  So what you're left with is a skinnier, waterier oyster that's basically in heat. Yum.

And if it's Gulf Oysters you're eating, it's recommended that you cook them from April to October, tacking an extra 3 months to the "R" rule.

Bivalve devotees need not fret--raw June oysters may leave a gal wanting, but they're perfectly suited to Oyster Stew.

Check out this particularly bacon-studded specimen at Seymour Burton:

Since this one's got potatoes and the aforementioned swine in it, it's technically an Oyster Chowder.  But it was very old-school oyster-stewish in spirit; not thickened at all, with cream-based broth more warm than hot, so's not to assault the gently-cooked oysters.