An Effing Foodie

Dinner in a Twitter: Whole Wheat Mentaiko Spaghetti with Green Beans, Scallions and Egg

Apparently, Twitter is the new bacon.

Attention from the NY Times marks the beginning of the end for any hot fringe-trend, but this cynic was impressed by Lawrence Downes’ endearing article on Twitter recipes.  His effusive exposition of Maureen Evans’ super-spare recipe realm was a welcome tweak on the nose for bored by-the-book cooks and blathering foodbloggers (cough) alike.

Evans' Twitcipes are subtly complex and sophisticated—in 140-character bursts, she makes clear that she’s well-traveled, kitchen-confident, but not cocky.  She’s got no bread handicap (home cook hierarchy is arguably based on the successful domination of yeast), does multi-culti sweets AND savories, and could get a willing participant out of a mac-n-cheese rut quicker than Mark Bittman can warm up.

Downes' headlong energy and Evans' encapsulated charms were downright inspiring. So without further ado, I present to you my Twitcipe debut*:

MentaikoPasta: Boil 1srving WWspghti&7-min egg. Blanch 1hndful grnbeans(cut1"). Slice egg(1/4s)&toss all w/1pckt sauce +slicedscallion&nori.

Oh c’mon.  Don’t act all surprised.  OF COURSE it’s going to have a key ingredient that most of you will find narsty—some of you because mentaiko = pollock/cod roe, others because it’s processed convenience food, and still others because it's Japanese convenience food (hooray, Kewpie!), and therefore uber-unlocal.  All of you can suck it. 

I love mentaiko and tarako in their raw, unadulterated forms...which tend to spoil before I can finish them.  Squeeze-packets of shelf-stable stuff is what I like to keep around for rainy days.  If you want the genuine article, here's a legit recipe from the far classier Chubby Hubby.

While I may lack the understated grace and worldliness of Ms. Evans, I do not lack a nutritive, unami-rich dindin.  Cheers!

*Nope, I don’t have a Twitter account.  I just thought this would be funsies**.

**You know what else is funsies? Watching Maureen "Snarkypants" Dowd get TAKEN DOWN while trying to takedown the founders of Twitter.  This made my day:

[M. Dowd, NYT]: If you were out with a girl and she started twittering about it in the middle, would that be a deal-breaker or a turn-on?
[B. Stone, Twitter founder] (dryly): In the middle of what?

LeftoverMania: Power to the Pantry!

Arrgh, sorry for the absentee blogger crap, folks!  I'm in the midst of a bit of food-related ennui.  The inevitable amusing side effect: Playing with the more mundane rotating residents of my friggy.

Observe the cornered foodie, spinning her wheels at home.

Exhibit #1: Rice Vermicelli with Sliced Lamb and Mint
(AKA Instant Noodles with Leftover Chops and Frozen Veggies)

Elements (per bowl):

• 1 package instant rice vermicelli, preferably onion-flavored
• 1 leftover medium rare lamb chop, thinly sliced
• 1/4 cup frozen corn kernels
• 1/4 cup frozen whole-leaf spinach
• 1 sprig fresh mint, chopped
• Shichimi togarashi pepper to taste

In my defense: The super-salty onion-flavored soup stood up well to the gaminess of the lamb, whose medium-rare state gently wandered over to medium-well whilst bathing in its sodium bath (not unlike pho!).  Corn brought sweetness to the party, spinach (washed and frozen by moi!) helped to alleviate my vegetable guilt, and the mint was a welcome illusion of freshness.

Verdict: No one is too good for instant noodles.  Drink lots 'o' water to avoid sodium shock.

Exhibit #2: Pea and Shittake Risotto with Soft-Poached Egg and Pecorino
(AKA Reincarnated Chinese Takeout Rice Jook with Frozen Peas and Dried Mushrooms)

Elements (per bowl):

• 1/2 carton leftover Chinese takeout rice
• 1/2 (14-oz) can chicken broth
• 1/4 cup frozen peas
• 1/4 cup dried, sliced shittake mushrooms
• 1 egg (cage-free and vegetarian, please!)
• 1-2 TBSP. butter
• Pecorino, freshly grated, to taste
• Kosher salt and black pepper, freshly cracked, to taste
• Chili-spiked sesame oil to taste

In my defense: This was actually more like Asian rice porridge than risotto, except for the shot in the arm it gets with the butter and cheese.  The bubbly, broth-sucking napalm is an ideal medium for reconstituting hard white rice and dried mushrooms, thawing frozen peas, and poaching an egg to an appealing ooziness in no time.  Pepper and chili oil help to give an edge to all this richness.

Verdict: Don't think the Asians at large or the Italians would be eager to claim this porridge puppy, but that's fine by me and my well-warmed belly.

Scariest. Recipes. EVER. (AKA Spampocalypse)

As a long-term Gmail user, my favorite quirk was the customized Google ads generated by the context of your email.

So when I wrote to my gal-friends, the ads in the margins read something like this:

• "He's Just Not That Into You: Buy NOW on Amazon.com!"
• "Don't Quit Now: 10 Surefire Ways to Win Back Your Man."
• "Are the Stars Aligned for Romance?  Get Your Love Astrology Charted TODAY."

Just one more way overzealous commerce can teach us not to take ourselves so friggen seriously.

Google has since started screening the ads a little more, so they're WAY more PC now (BOOOO!), but I really used to enjoy the little streaming Spam recipes I used to get when I was cleaning out my Spam folder.  Check out this little gem:

Gingered Spam Salad
  Categories: Salads, Go-withs, Misc.
       Yield: 1 Serving

• 1 cn Spam, sliced matchstick size
• 1/4 c  Finely chopped ginger root
• 1 ea Small red onion, finely choppe
• 1/2 ts Garlic powder
• 1/4 c  Freshly squeezed lime juice
• Zest of 1 lime
• 1/2 ts Oriental dried chili powder
• 1/4 c  Chopped cilantro leaves
• 8 ea Cherry tomatoes
• Thai bird peppers and cilantro sprigs to garnish

Combine all ingredients in a sealed glass or plastic container to marinate. Refrigerate at least two hours or preferably overnight. Stir or shake occasionally to evenly coat.  One hour before serving, stir in cilantro. Serve on a bed of torn lettuce of your choice. Garnish with quartered cherry tomatoes, Thai bird peppers and cilantro sprigs.
   ~- Typos courtesy of Wesley Pitts 5/12/95

First off: Dude, I like Spam as proudly as the next Hawaiian, but Spam SALAD?  As in cold, marinated, shredded Spam?  That's commitment!  Imagine the trial and error involved in creating this recipe.  Shudder.

Second: Did anyone clock that this recipe serves one?  Cold, shredded Spam for one.  It's the saddest effing thing I've ever seen.  Never before has there been a more apt or poignant food metaphor for loneliness.

Caprese Confessions

It’s funny how much eaters have in common--with all the choices that we have, we're still privy to certain consumption cues.

Cold Weather = Braised Meats, Bean Soups and Chili, Stuffed Cabbage, all permutations of potatoes, Guinness, bourbon and Scotch. 

Hot Weather = Corn on the Cob, BBQ, all things grilled, raw fish, watermelon and strawberries, rum and vodka.

So I guess it’s no big coinkydink that in the height of tomato time, Mark Bittman was feeling the Tomato Paella, and I was obsessed with something vaguely less refined:

In August and September, I was eating this at least once a week. What is, you ask?