An Effing Foodie

Holiday Gift Guide, 2009: Fancypants Nosh from the BKLYN Larder

I'm an unabashed fan of Franny's, the BKLYN Larder's big-sister venture, so when I got the Larder's newsletter for Christmas goodies, a little involuntary drooling and clapping may-or-may-not have happened.

 

Jasper Farm?

Mast Brothers?  (Going to visit their factory this weekend, stay tuned!)

Neal's Yard Stichelton???

To all who have been sweating presents and are in spitting distance of Park Slope, now's your chance:

• Call them at 718.783.1250 to place your order. (Or visit them in person!)
• They ask that you place your orders by December 20th.
• They are open 7 days a week, plus from 10 AM to 6 PM on Christmas-Eve-Day for to pick up said order.  (They'll thankfully be closed Christmas Day!)

Browse their cornucopia of baskets here.

They're doing catering, too, for all the Christmas cheer with none of the toiling! 

Same rules for ordering apply.  Don't corner or kid yourself--you know if you're too busy to cook!

Holiday Gift Guide Realness, 2009: Boozehounds and Bookworms

For the Boozer-in-the-Know:

I've always been partial to bourbon and Scotch as prezzies and balm, but this year Saveur did a couple of great articles on up-and-coming artisan spirits, namely single-malt Irish whiskeys, and small-batch Reposado mezcals.  Bring their meticulous tasting notes (here for the whiskeys, and here for mezcals) to your local upscale purveyor of booze, and help your friends warm their bones with spirits they're unlikely to have tried before.

For the Hungry New Yawka:

Some folks aren't partial to narrative cookbooks.  Or cussing.  Or pancake profanity.  You shouldn't give these people Kenny Shopsin's memoir/cookbook, aptly titled Eat Me: The Food and Philosophy of Kenny Shopsin (Hardcover, $16.47).  It's a priceless read, with quirky photos, rants, recipes and anecdotes from arguably NY's most feared and respected king of the flat-top. 

Not only does Kenny get into the strategy behind running a 900-item menu with a tiny kitchen, he is ruthlessly personal, sharing all about how his family grew up with Shopin's General Store, allowing us a peek into an insider's Village.  What works about the book is Kenny's conflicted narrative: He loves, loves his life's work, the food he's made, the people he's met--he wants to tell you all about it.  But he's not telling you to come-on-down.  The man is the abrasive (but loving) curator for a 12-seat fiefdom, and he'll cook for who he pleases, when he pleases, thank you.

Not everyone has the guff to face Shopsin and his vetting, but fortunately, all are welcome at Veselka, day or night.  I could go on and on about the justly famous bloody burger, pierogi, stuffed cabbage and borscht--but that would lead me away from shilling their newly released Veselka Cookbook: Recipes and Stories from the Landmark Restaurant in New York's East Village (Hardcover, $18.47 on Amazon). 

Besides teaching us how to make hearty Ukrainian staples for ourselves, it sheds a light on a diner that most drunken Village-rompers take for granted, a 50-year-old venture of an immigrant family that started as a candy store and blossomed into a cultural touchstone.  The cookbook can't replicate the experience of eating blintzes next to off-duty drag queens, but what can, really?

Holiday Gift Guide Realness, 2009: Naughty-n-Nice

Because really, who's got friends that fit squarely into either category?

For the Feisty Fireball:

• You know the one.  She carries Sriracha Sauce in her purse.  Deck her out in all her glory with a Hawt Pink Gold Polka Dotted Hostess Apron from DII ($18.94).
• Customize a basket or box of Tien Tsin Chili Peppers, Crushed Pakistani Red Pepper, and Vindaloo Seasoning from Penzys Spices (or, go with the Some Like It Hot Gift Box, $39.99)
• Even firebrands need a little something to spread on toast--Beth's Farm Kitchen offers a tangy-sour-sweet Mighty Hot Pepper Jelly ($8) that's a welcome kick in the pants for buttered toast and poached eggs. (Or make it a savory/hot trio with Habanero Jelly and Garlic-Rosemary Jelly.)

For the Hardware Harda*s:

• Busting out the Cuisinart isn't always the answer: For those who want a little more control and rhythm with their mincing ways, how about a double-handled Wüsthof Mezzaluna (7-inch, $67.95). [As bada*s as the double-bladed ones look, I'm not certain how you'd go about cleaning it without hurting yourself.]
• Big-Eyed Curvy Bombshell let me in on a dirty secret to quicker prep: Microplane Graters ($12.99) for fast-planed garlic, feather-light curls of hard cheese, easy citrus zesting and grating whole nutmeg.  They're wicked-sharp, last forever and now come with soft-touch handles in a fancypants array of colors.
• Safety first!  With any large-prep project, I always fear for my knuckles when peeling and grating.  Peel with impunity with the Victorinox steel-wrapped safety glove ($24.09).

For the Funk-Friendly:

The fabulous Matt Armendariz brings up an excellent point; sometimes it's hard to get excited about food specialty items.  Enter Matt's latest obsession, Colatura, AKA Italian fish sauce, AKA the modern form of Roman Garum, AKA liquid gold for jaded foodie friends down with fermented fishies. 

Next up: What to get boozehounds and bookworms.

Gift guides of Holidays Past:

• Stuff It, Stockings: Emergency Effing Presents!
• A Very Queso Christmas, Part 1: Jasper Hill Farm
  
• A Very Queso Christmas, Part 2: Old Chatham Sheepherding Co.
  
• A Very Queso Christmas, Part 3: The Cowgirl Creamery
  

Stuff It, Stockings: Emergency Effing Presents!

Tick-tock!  By now, friends/drinking buddies/loose acquaintances/clients/distant relatives have made their way out of the woodwork to pounce on your unsuspecting, holiday-bewildered self, and good 'ol standards and practices dictates that they must each get a well-thought-out bauble...or bottle. 

So, here's a list to ease the effing way!

For the sweet folk:

Bee Raw Honeys: Unpasteurized, single-variety honeys that will make you grateful for myopic, monogamous bees.  Try the frosting-like, buttery Sweet Yellow Clover or Star Thistle on toast (or better yet, biscuits!), the rich-n-tangy Wild Raspberry drizzled on blue cheese, or the darkly funky Buckwheat in your gingerbread or oatmeal.

Can't choose/commit/decide? No worries, for those who've been VERY good, they offer varietal variety packs! 

Need sweets more pimpin', less hippy? Yarra Valley Truffle Honey is a half-step from liquid gold, making it ridiculously easy to look like a cheese plate genius. 

(If you're in NYC, Murray's carries both Bee Raw and Yarra Valley honeys--the selection varies, but I've seen Bee Raw at Dean & Deluca, Whole Foods, and the Food Emporium as well!)

For the cheese nerds and otherwise cheese-curious:

Invite a friend out for a night of queso-based bonding with Murray's cheese classes (with an emphasis the booze-oriented ones); you can brush up on the basics, learn a thing or two about bourbon pairings (like the one I went to!) or expand your knowledge of all things stinky.

(By the by...I am currently not and have never worked for Murray's...all this super-schillin' merely demonstrates how pathetically dependent I am on them for tokens of good tidings and moments of personal indulgence.)

For those in need of a more potent yuletide fix:

Compass Box Whiskey: Sorry kids, these are not single-malt, but vatted malt (i.e., blended) Scotch whiskeys--don't let the lack of trendiness deter you, though.  The Peat Monster is a great find for all the gruffed-voiced loves in your life; the almost floral Hedonism and Asyla will help to ease the Scotch-uninitiated; and winter nights are that much cozier with Orangerie and a square or two of dark chocolate. 

Four Roses: No need to cross an ocean for solid brown booze--described as a "high-rye" bourbon, Four Roses has a spicy, fruity complexity that was practically made for spiking eggnog and dipping Grandpa's dentures.

Sweets for the (Mostly!) Sweet

This'll come as no surprise, but I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day.  It's a day wrapped in chalky candy, smug couples, sub par pre-fixe fare, and flammable fuschia plush.  Blechy.

But to be fair, there are fantabular, long-suffering significant others out there who have more than earned a little bit of spoilage (that's men AND womenfolk!), even if it IS inspired by mass-motivated guilt.

So pay attention, 'cause even if you boycott V-Day, some of these treaties may be worth saving for the random day you're overcome with gratitude for the poor brute that puts up with you.

(Or the random day you have to dig yourself out of the doghouse. Whichever comes first.)

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If you're mui-crafty, have freezer space + a sweetie with a sweet tooth:
Frozen olive oil and chocolate lollipops--SO pretty, relatively easy, and there are few combinations on earth sexier than chocolate and olive oil (from the gorgeous blog delicious:days).

If you're mui-crafty, have a way with yeast, deep-fat frying + a sweetie with a sweet tooth:
Homemade miniature rose-hip jam doughnuts--this takes a little more know-how, but everything tastes better with jam and powdered sugar. Wink-wink. (Also from delicious:days.)

If for you, candy means buying, and your sweetie is currently diseased:
Soothe and indulge with spiced tea and honey lollipops from Roni-Sue's Chocolates at the Essex Street Market (via Time Out New York).

If for you, candy means buying, and your sweetie is a lushy cocoaphile:
How 'bout a box of Margarita, Dark-n-Stormy, and Portly Fig truffles, also from Roni-Sue's Chocolates at the Essex Street Market (via NY Daily News).

If you're having a hard time choosing between posh candy and character-driven jewelry:
Jewel-toned, hand-pulled candy rings from Papabubble are whimsical, lusciously fruity, and go a long way to prove the hipness of hard candy (via Time Out New York).

If nothing sounds better than close quarters and hot cocktails:
Double Stefan Trummer's heady Winter Sangria recipe, put together a cheese plate, and enforce a Blackberry ban (via NY Mag).

A Very Queso Christmas, Part 3: The Cowgirl Creamery

If the concentration patterns of food blogs indicates anything, it's that the Bay Area generates as many (or more!) verbose, opinionated eaters as NYC...and for good reason!  Wine, olive oil, and endless vegetal bounty pops up out of the very ground; Kumamoto and Hama Hama oysters KILL Blue Points and Malpeques (I'm sorry! I heart NY, but the Pacific Ocean just plain TASTES BETTER)...and then there's the cheese.

This Effing Foodie was trying to keep things relatively local (or at least on the Eastern seaboard), but:

A) Readers from the sunnier coast need cheese, too!
B) Surely it wouldn't be a Very Queso Christmas without a Cowgirl (or two).

Enter Sue Conley and Peggy Smith: founders of the Cowgirl Creamery, both of these ladies did serious time as successful chefs in the Bay Area restaurant circuit before zooming in on their mutual distraction with the magic of curd.  In the last ten years, they've won multiple awards with their babies: the buttery MT. TAM (alas, currently sold out!); the intriguing, washed-rind funk of superstar Red Hawk; and their wintertime specialty, Pierce Pt., adorned in spices and bathed in muscat wine.

All of the above are made with local, organic, pasteurized cow's milk--score another one for the impregnated, immune-suppressed or otherwise squeamish who refuse to skimp on taste.

There's oodles of other regional AND international cheeses, goodies and baskets to choose from; a cheese club with varying degrees of commitment and global-queso-coverage; and a handy-dandy online cheesecylopedia for all of your quick-click reference needs.

If you're lucky enough to be in the area, take a tour of the glassed-in creamery at Point Reyes before loading down with cheese--the Cowgirls like nothing better than to educate the curious.

As for poky, desk-bound, East Coast quesophiles? Take a virtual tour, and allow yourself to get giddy about the mailman coming.

A Very Queso Christmas, Part Two: Old Chatham Sheepherding Co.

Every family's got one...the one that stands out from the pack, who gets whispered about over plates of turkey.  Plain 'ol cow's milk cheese is a little too passe for them.

Luckily, the Old Chatham Sheepherding Company (Hudson Valley, NY) had these black sheep in mind. 

What's the difference between sheep's milk cheese and cow's milk cheese?  Not to beat hyperbole to death, but sheep are livestock that do well off the beaten path--they can subsist on less, in much harsher terrain and climate conditions than cows can.  Ergo, when it comes time for lambing, a milk with optimized fat, sugar, and protein content is essential for 'lil sheep to put on weight and wean quickly, to better survive a more challenging environ than, say, a flat, fenced-in pasture.

This is good news for sheep's milk cheesemakers; because sheep's milk is so much richer and more nutritionally dense than cow's milk, it takes comparatively little sheep's milk to make a high yield of great quality cheese.

Is your black sheep vegetarian, preggers, or an irrational germaphobe? No worries--Old Chatham's cheeses are a blend of pasteurized sheep's milk and hormone-free cow's milk. They use vegetable rennets, and their yogurts are nuthin' but sheep's milk and active cultures.

The ever-popular Camembert Square is lush, creamy, and non-threatening to the squeamish--a fab stand-in for any situation that usually calls for 'round-the bend supermarket brie.

(Can't get enough camembert? It comes in a 2 lb. wheel, too!)

For pro-penicillin finger foods, shove a little Ewe's Blue into the backdoors of Medjool dates, wrap those puppies in bacon, and broil.

Design your own gift basket at BlackSheepCheese.com, or toss a Camembert Square into your Murray's cart. 

(Unfortunately, the Old Chatham site only offers the sheep's milk yogurt by the case, and Murray's carries it in their retail stores, but not online...however, super-lucky Fresh Direct NYC customers can have it brought right to their fifth-floor walkups.)

Next on-deck for a Very Queso Christmas: the lovely ladies of the Cowgirl Creamery.

A Very Queso Christmas, Part 1: Jasper Hill Farm

ACK...December 1!  Those of us who've been in denial about the holidays since Halloween are officially without recourse or respite.

No need to panic or rush out to buy electronics...let cheese be your salvation! Beautiful, artisan cheeses made in the U-S-of-A, of all different shapes, colors, pungencies, and price ranges, shipped right to the doors of your loved ones!

Jasper Hill Farm is run by a small band of Vermonters totally preoccupied with maintaining the quality of their milk, and keen to present a sustainable, easily duplicable business model to revive local dairy economies. 

Their babies, Constant Bliss and Bayley Hazen Blue, are both made with whole, unpasteurized cow's milk.  Smooth, bloomy-rich Bliss will keep the uninitiated and the dairy-jaded happy; Bayley's crumbly, dense paste has all the vein-shot spunkiness blue-lovers want, without being overly salty. Drizzled in honey, both are a welcome wake-up for any cheese plate.   

(They don't have their own online store, but Bliss and Bayley are available at Murray's Online Store.  For those who've been VERY good this year, there's a super-splurgy Jasper Hill Farm Collection Box, with a rotating roster of seasonal Vermonter cheeses.)