An Effing Foodie: Scariest. Recipes. EVER. (AKA Spampocalypse)

As a long-term Gmail user, my favorite quirk was the customized Google ads generated by the context of your email.

So when I wrote to my gal-friends, the ads in the margins read something like this:

"He's Just Not That Into You: Buy NOW on Amazon.com!"
"Don't Quit Now: 10 Surefire Ways to Win Back Your Man."
"Are the Stars Aligned for Romance? Get Your Love Astrology Charted TODAY."

Just one more way overzealous commerce can teach us not to take ourselves so friggen seriously.

Google has since started screening the ads a little more, so they're WAY more PC now (BOOOO!), but I really used to enjoy the little streaming Spam recipes I used to get when I was cleaning out my Spam folder. Check out this little gem:

Gingered Spam Salad
Categories: Salads, Go-withs, Misc.
Yield: 1 Serving

1 cn Spam, sliced matchstick size

1/4 c Finely chopped ginger root

1 ea Small red onion, finely choppe

1/2 ts Garlic powder

1/4 c Freshly squeezed lime juice

Zest of 1 lime

1/2 ts Oriental dried chili powder

1/4 c Chopped cilantro leaves

8 ea Cherry tomatoes

Thai bird peppers and cilantro sprigs to garnish

Combine all ingredients in a sealed glass or plastic container to marinate. Refrigerate at least two hours or preferably overnight. Stir or shake occasionally to evenly coat. One hour before serving, stir in cilantro. Serve on a bed of torn lettuce of your choice. Garnish with quartered cherry tomatoes, Thai bird peppers and cilantro sprigs.
~- Typos courtesy of Wesley Pitts 5/12/95

First off: Dude, I like Spam as proudly as the next Hawaiian, but Spam SALAD? As in cold, marinated, shredded Spam? That's commitment! Imagine the trial and error involved in creating this recipe. Shudder.

Second: Did anyone clock that this recipe serves one? Cold, shredded Spam for one. It's the saddest effing thing I've ever seen. Never before has there been a more apt or poignant food metaphor for loneliness.

Third: If you have the where-with-all to have Thai bird peppers, "Oriental" (snicker) chili powder in your pantry, and fresh ginger, red onion, limes, lettuce, cherry tomatoes and cilantro in your fridge, don't tell me that you couldn't come up with anything but Spam salad to eat.

(Sub browned, ground chicken for Spam and add a little Thai fish sauce, and you'd actually have a meal for one that's nothing to be ashamed of. REACH FOR THE STARS, Wesley!!!)

But WAIT, it gets better:

FRENCH FRY SPAM CASSEROLE
Categories: Main dish
   Yield: 8 servings

   1 pk Frozen french fry potatoes, thawed (20 oz)
   2 c Shredded Cheddar cheese
   2 c Sour cream
   1 cn Condensed cream of chicken soup (10 3/4 oz)
   1 cn SPAM Luncheon Meat, cubed (12 oz)
   1/2 c Chopped red bell pepper
   1/2 c Chopped green onion
   1/2 c Finely crushed corn flakes

Heat oven to 350'F. In large bowl, combine potatoes, cheese, sour cream, and soup. Stir in SPAM, bell pepper, and green onion. Spoon into 13x9 in. baking dish. Sprinkle with crushed flakes. Bake 30-40 minutes or until thoroughly heated.

Let's count processed food MVPs, shall we? This baby's primary source of protein is Spam; the bulk of the casserole is thawed french fries (?!); it relies on the classic be-all-end-all binder, canned cream of chicken soup; AND, to bring it on home, it's topped with crushed corn flakes, presumably for casserole camouflage.

Words fail me. I can do nothing but applaud the genius who figured out how to feed 8 people with the gnarly odds and ends lurking in dark corners of their pantry and freezer. BRAVO!

I almost want to say: Phuck the cornflakes. Go with crushed potato chips, French-Fried Onions in a Can, or smashed Potato Sticks. Get rid of the "real" shredded cheddar cheese and sour cream, and replace with Velveeta and inflammable fat-free sour cream. OWN the scary.

I'll part, dear readers, with handy-dandy tips I found whilst looking for the Potato Sticks link:


	FRENCH'S® Potato Sticks make a tasty, crunchy bed for a thick, juicy steak.				Offer a crisp change of pace at the salad bar. Add FRENCH'S® Potato Sticks!				Crown baked potatoes with chili, cheese and FRENCH'S® Potato Sticks.