An Effing Foodie

Holiday Gift Guide, 2009: Fancypants Nosh from the BKLYN Larder

I'm an unabashed fan of Franny's, the BKLYN Larder's big-sister venture, so when I got the Larder's newsletter for Christmas goodies, a little involuntary drooling and clapping may-or-may-not have happened.

 

Jasper Farm?

Mast Brothers?  (Going to visit their factory this weekend, stay tuned!)

Neal's Yard Stichelton???

To all who have been sweating presents and are in spitting distance of Park Slope, now's your chance:

• Call them at 718.783.1250 to place your order. (Or visit them in person!)
• They ask that you place your orders by December 20th.
• They are open 7 days a week, plus from 10 AM to 6 PM on Christmas-Eve-Day for to pick up said order.  (They'll thankfully be closed Christmas Day!)

Browse their cornucopia of baskets here.

They're doing catering, too, for all the Christmas cheer with none of the toiling! 

Same rules for ordering apply.  Don't corner or kid yourself--you know if you're too busy to cook!

I Heart Food Idioms: Spilled Milk

How often does one actually come across spilled milk? 

I think the universe was trying to tell me not to sweat the small stuff.

Stuff It, Stockings: Emergency Effing Presents!

Tick-tock!  By now, friends/drinking buddies/loose acquaintances/clients/distant relatives have made their way out of the woodwork to pounce on your unsuspecting, holiday-bewildered self, and good 'ol standards and practices dictates that they must each get a well-thought-out bauble...or bottle. 

So, here's a list to ease the effing way!

For the sweet folk:

Bee Raw Honeys: Unpasteurized, single-variety honeys that will make you grateful for myopic, monogamous bees.  Try the frosting-like, buttery Sweet Yellow Clover or Star Thistle on toast (or better yet, biscuits!), the rich-n-tangy Wild Raspberry drizzled on blue cheese, or the darkly funky Buckwheat in your gingerbread or oatmeal.

Can't choose/commit/decide? No worries, for those who've been VERY good, they offer varietal variety packs! 

Need sweets more pimpin', less hippy? Yarra Valley Truffle Honey is a half-step from liquid gold, making it ridiculously easy to look like a cheese plate genius. 

(If you're in NYC, Murray's carries both Bee Raw and Yarra Valley honeys--the selection varies, but I've seen Bee Raw at Dean & Deluca, Whole Foods, and the Food Emporium as well!)

For the cheese nerds and otherwise cheese-curious:

Invite a friend out for a night of queso-based bonding with Murray's cheese classes (with an emphasis the booze-oriented ones); you can brush up on the basics, learn a thing or two about bourbon pairings (like the one I went to!) or expand your knowledge of all things stinky.

(By the by...I am currently not and have never worked for Murray's...all this super-schillin' merely demonstrates how pathetically dependent I am on them for tokens of good tidings and moments of personal indulgence.)

For those in need of a more potent yuletide fix:

Compass Box Whiskey: Sorry kids, these are not single-malt, but vatted malt (i.e., blended) Scotch whiskeys--don't let the lack of trendiness deter you, though.  The Peat Monster is a great find for all the gruffed-voiced loves in your life; the almost floral Hedonism and Asyla will help to ease the Scotch-uninitiated; and winter nights are that much cozier with Orangerie and a square or two of dark chocolate. 

Four Roses: No need to cross an ocean for solid brown booze--described as a "high-rye" bourbon, Four Roses has a spicy, fruity complexity that was practically made for spiking eggnog and dipping Grandpa's dentures.

Tall-Table Noshing: Vintage Irving, Union Square, NYC

Most of the time, I'm not an eater with a plan.  Given the choice, I'd much rather wander with a fellow intrepid noshmonkey and a craving than adhere to a predetermined gustatory destination.

Luckily, Soft-Spoken Feisty Lady (SSFL) shares this disposition, and demonstrates great patience as we comb through blocks of window-mounted menus for our next meal.

Even luckier are the days where we don't have to meander far at all!  Mere steps from being spit up from the subway, we stumbled on a spiffy-new yet unassuming space, offering much in the way of wine, thought-out cocktails and small plates: Vintage Irving.

I hadn't heard much about it, apart from the fact that they tout absinthe cocktails, but the cheese offerings, an uber-nerdy wine/beer list (that includes a glossary of terms for pairing), and super-sweet gentleman host pretty much sealed the deal.

SSFL and I planted ourselves at the tall-stooled communal tables, and contemplated booze.

"One of us should get an absinthe cocktail."

<Hesitation.> "Yeah...Do you like Pernod?"

"Nope."

"Neither do I."

So we dodged the Green Fairy, and settled with rose and a dirty martini instead--SSFL's martini came equipped with a "dirty" ice cube of olive brine.

(Um, I thought salted water doesn't freeze.  Did Mr. Wizard lead me astray???)

As I sipped my wine and worked my way through the descriptive, text-heavy menu, I noticed a chemical, burning smell.

And realized that I'd lit the back of the plastic-covered menu with a tea light.

Such are the hazards of short, klutzy folk breaking bread at tall tables.

Breast Restaurant EVER: Human Milk Menu in Zurich!

You read right, folks: The Times UK reports that Hans Locher of Zurich, Switzerland, is attempting to open a restaurant that includes human milk in every dish.

Isn't this just the way?  Ya tell a bad joke, and some whackadoo has already thought of it, sans irony.

Where is he harvesting this bounty of Hepatitis Hazard?  Why, from willing young mothers in his village, plus all who answer his sordid classifieds (which is how authorities caught onto him in the first place).  The going rate for unscreened breast milk?  $16 USD per liter.  Cheap bastard.

And of course, Hans doesn't see anything wrong with any of this...like the cuckoo high-fructose corn syrup peeps, he takes the "What? It's all natural!" road:

"I don’t understand all the controversy. The mother’s milk is the most natural thing in the world – how can anyone be against it? It is, after all, the first thing we taste and I see no reason why I should not include it in my menu,” Mr Locher, who trained as a cook in several countries, said.
  --Bojan Pancevski, Times Online

Christmas Came Early! Murray's Bourbon and Cheese Pairing Class, West Village, NYC

When I saw "Bourbon and Cheese" on Murray's Cheese Class Schedule, I couldn't click fast enough. 

If my loved ones were forced to stage an intervention on my behalf, it would probably have less to do with sweet, sweet booze, and more to do with stinky, stinky cheese.

As much as I enjoy gnawing and cataloging my way through Murray's Everest o' Queso on my own, nothing lights me up quite like Murray's classes.

Yes, there is booze AND cheese.  But more importantly, most of us aren't born with an intrinsic knowledge of which boozes and cheeses were meant to be together, and Murray's classes have stepped in to reduce the guesswork of pairing.

The fantabu-rrific cheese empath, Nora Singley (formerly of Murray's and currently cooking in Martha Stewart's test kitchens), and overall-clad LeNell Smothers (Brooklyn/'Bama's own bourbon expert and spunky purveyor of spirits), presided over the merry marriage of congealed curd and brown booze with wit, ease, expertise, and bawdy tales.

Stuck on the idea of bourbon and cheese together?  To be fair, it is a matter of taste; if you favor, say, white wine spritzers and mild cheeses, these pairings may be a hard sell.  For me, I tend to heart the rankest of the rank, cheeses that are tough to pair with wines, ports and sherries--so bourbon and scotch pairings seem like the next logical step.

Super-Expressive Foods: ChikaLicious Dessert Club's Espresso Ice Shot

I'd like to think I'm slowly getting better at taking appetizing piccies of eats, to ultimately provoke the lot of you into mid-day, mid-cubicle hunger.

But I still end up with 'lil beauties...

<====like this fella.

BEHOLD, the Many-Eyed Affogato Monster! BLAUGH!!!

Be kind.

He's a little misunderstood...and apparently, as curious about you as you are of him!

More importantly, he's darned tasty! Billed as "Espresso Ice Shot", Many-Eyed Affogato Monster is a caffeine-bathed balm on your summer-sapped senses--vanilla bean soft serve, chocolate-coated crispies, and a shot of espresso.

He's a bit heavy on the soft serve to be affogato proper, but if you want less ice cream, I'm sure the affable (if overwhelmed) purveyor of sweets would be happy to oblige.

You'll find him at the ChikaLicious Dessert Club (right across the street from the original ChikaLicous Dessert Bar on E 10th St) in the company of some good-lookin' cupcakes (including an INSANE toasted-marshmallow-topped s'mores specimen), cookies, puddings, smoothies, and a rotating sorbet.

Caravane Camelbert: Camel-Milk Cheese in NYC!

You know you want some.

One particularly drunken, lactose-loaded night, my friend Heathie and I mused on all the cheeses we've yet to try, and tip-toed right into the fanciful: Seal cheese!  Pig cheese!  Camel cheese!

Turns out, some fanciful wishes are more easily fulfilled than you'd think.  Camel cheese has hit our shores, people!

The cheese, known to some admirers as Camelbert, has had a difficult time clearing regulatory hurdles in the European Union. But with the help of Gary Guthrie, an American importer, it has received a green light here. About 100 pounds of Caravane will be available in New York beginning this week at some Garden of Eden stores, Sahadi's, Stinky Bklyn, Zabar's and Todaro Brothers.

--PERVAIZ SHALLWANI, NYT

Camelbert is in the style of its conceit, camembert, with a bloomy-rind and a rich, creamy center.  At $30 a pound, it's a bit of a splurge, but if you can swing it, swap it for brie on your next cheese plate, and cross off another milk-bearing animal in your ongoing cheese conquest.

A Very Queso Christmas, Part 3: The Cowgirl Creamery

If the concentration patterns of food blogs indicates anything, it's that the Bay Area generates as many (or more!) verbose, opinionated eaters as NYC...and for good reason!  Wine, olive oil, and endless vegetal bounty pops up out of the very ground; Kumamoto and Hama Hama oysters KILL Blue Points and Malpeques (I'm sorry! I heart NY, but the Pacific Ocean just plain TASTES BETTER)...and then there's the cheese.

This Effing Foodie was trying to keep things relatively local (or at least on the Eastern seaboard), but:

A) Readers from the sunnier coast need cheese, too!
B) Surely it wouldn't be a Very Queso Christmas without a Cowgirl (or two).

Enter Sue Conley and Peggy Smith: founders of the Cowgirl Creamery, both of these ladies did serious time as successful chefs in the Bay Area restaurant circuit before zooming in on their mutual distraction with the magic of curd.  In the last ten years, they've won multiple awards with their babies: the buttery MT. TAM (alas, currently sold out!); the intriguing, washed-rind funk of superstar Red Hawk; and their wintertime specialty, Pierce Pt., adorned in spices and bathed in muscat wine.

All of the above are made with local, organic, pasteurized cow's milk--score another one for the impregnated, immune-suppressed or otherwise squeamish who refuse to skimp on taste.

There's oodles of other regional AND international cheeses, goodies and baskets to choose from; a cheese club with varying degrees of commitment and global-queso-coverage; and a handy-dandy online cheesecylopedia for all of your quick-click reference needs.

If you're lucky enough to be in the area, take a tour of the glassed-in creamery at Point Reyes before loading down with cheese--the Cowgirls like nothing better than to educate the curious.

As for poky, desk-bound, East Coast quesophiles? Take a virtual tour, and allow yourself to get giddy about the mailman coming.

Bouncing Blue Baby! (Stichelton!)

I enjoy my Wednesday food section fix as much as the next food nerd, but today I snapped that sucker open, scanned, and squealed with the kind of unrestrained glee that women generally reserve for babies and diamonds.

To be fair, it IS a baby of sorts...a spanking new blue cheese!!!  Food nerd extraordinaire Harold McGee introduces us to an old cheese with a fresh name: Stichelton.

The brainchild of cheesemaker Joe Schneider and Neal's Yard Dairy's Randolph Hodgson, Stichelton is basically a raw-milk Stilton, in many ways more traditionally made than what is legally recognized as Stilton.